I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
