Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
The struggles of a small town man whore
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
