Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
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