I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
