just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Randomize
