Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I wish I only lived at night.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
