if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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