She is in my trunk
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
