I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
