You don't have asthma, your pregnant
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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