IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
