can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
