Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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