Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize
