Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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