I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
