I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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