I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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