New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
