Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
it hurts more in the daytime
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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