Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
