You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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