so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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