if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
