the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize