you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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