babies were throwing up all over the place
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
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