I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
