He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
only you would photoshop your dick
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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