He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize