My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
