im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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