piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
