Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
