Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
