Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
