he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
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