So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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