sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize