Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
