The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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