She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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