do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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