There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
