my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
