toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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