look no pants
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
