it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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