i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I deserve this hangover.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
