hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
