Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
