I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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