ya dads aren't the best wingmen
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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