Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
