Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
