i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
