dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
