i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
