where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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