she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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