It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
