if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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