Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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