im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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